reality is harsh

Rabu, 07 Juni 2017
I thought when I get my well-deserved holiday and finally become free from assignment, I’ll be happy. The reality is as not as beautiful as I thought. I am still anxious with my grade. I planned to read books to escape reality, but even simply reading is hard. I cannot concentrate, and finally, I just become the person I hated; someone who procrastinate so hard and just wasting time, space, and money.
I went to Brisbane last Monday, alone. I visited the museums which turns out to be smaller than I imagined (maybe because some of the exhibition is closed). I have tons of book from last Saturday book sale that I could read. I have internet connection, I could do literally anything I want to do. But it feels lonely. I have no one to do anything together.

Why can’t I just be happy and enjoy this moment?  

first day of holiday

Jumat, 02 Juni 2017
it's 3rd of June today.
I had been waiting for this day to come; the day after I submit all my assignments and can have a proper holiday without having to think about another assignment until the next semester. Well, it's not that I am all free from all worry, because the fear from my grade still haunt me. I think I did good enough to pass, but your know me, I can't help but having anxiety about things that yet to happen.

So today, in this cold sunny Saturday, I wish I could find something to distract my mind from thinking about grade. Because no matter how worry I get, there is nothing I can do anymore. It's all submitted, the due date is over, I can't fix and resubmit it.
I was thinking about stuff I will do in the next two months. I guess I'll start studying for the next course right after I feel refreshed, I can go to the library and read novels in the upper level, I can stroll at lake Apex and watch birds (which maybe will not be around as they migrate to north during winter), I can go to City and sit in the South Bank park and daydream, or go to theater. there's a lot I can do here, this is Australia! I didn't really explore it since I came here because classes and assignments corrupt my time.

I have to say, I was overwhelmed. In the past two months, I spent hundreds of hours in library. reading journals, writing, paraphrasing, editing, from 8.30 AM to 8.30 PM. I never worked this hard before, and yet, I still tell myself that I didn't work hard enough, didn't work smart enough. Some other people stay at the library until 4 AM! I never had something I fear so much before, something to call nightmare. But today, the nightmare is something that can come to me anytime; failing a course. I can't imagine the shame and consequences I have to bear.
I know it is not happen yet, why worry? But tell this to the people who quote things like "being worry is a wrong use of imagination", that sometimes your brain can have the mind of their own. You do not always have control over your thought, especially if you have anxiety like me.
Oh dear...