finally, milky way

Sabtu, 29 April 2017


29th april 2017
I am so so so tired, not physically, but mentally. I just submitted the second assignment of advanced agronomy an hour ago. If I have to see any more of the assignment file, or the turnitin link, I think I will throw up and get sick.
I spent whole day in library for that assignment. There was Mogomotsi too there, a classmate from Bostwana. I know she got a satisfying grade from the first assignment so I was kinda shocked seeing her there in the deadline day, assuming she would do well and submit the assignment long before the due date.
I went home when it’s almost 10 PM. Rizky gave me and Bandang ride home. Bandang stays at my house once every two week because he needs to go to church in Sunday morning. in the other week, the service is in Saturday and the bus is available so he doesn’t have to stay here.
The day was long, I was mentally exhausted, and I kept worrying about the result of the assignment I just submitted. But on the way home, I was excited and grateful, because I saw the milky way clearly. I finally saw it. the sky was clear, Rizky drove relatively slow, and I saw it from the backseat window. The milky way is so beautiful. Not as beautiful as in pictures but still, I saw it. I finally can cross one entry in my bucket list.
Now, almost midnight. The submission link for the advanced agronomy second assignment will be gone in an hour. Gatton is quiet. i decided I can’t keep thinking about my grade and go to sleep. I need to calm my anxiety down. I need to make peace with my assignments.

just trying to get it out of my head

Kamis, 20 April 2017
Just some random post in IG about Daniel Powter yesterday leads me to the point where I eventually search his old music video in youtube. Bad Day. It was kind of my favorite song in high school. And when the song played, I was dragged back to the past.

I can’t believe high school was ten years ago. What had happened? It’s like I entered the wormhole and come out in the other side half sober half drunk, just like people who had a wild party all night then find themselves in the next morning confused about the new fresh tattoo in their hips, even the pain from the needles are still there, and they don’t actually like the tattoo. But from that point on, they have to spend the rest of their life with that tattoo they don't realize they had.

Lucky for me, I don’t wake up with tattoo that can’t be erased. All I have is crippling anxiety that I am trying hard to handle and cure. These ten years was not so bad, it takes me to the places I wasn’t even brave enough to dream of. As the matter of fact, those were good years, and it allows me to prolong my search; what do I really want in life. Because really, I don’t know…


*I know i probably look like a big pile of mess lately. I don't even know if i have to apologize or not for being like that

daily routine

Rabu, 05 April 2017
Life moves on. And days come and go so fast when you’re busy. And this is my routine now. Go to library at 8 in the morning, then do my assignment. I’ll have class on Monday, Wednesday and Thursday. After class I go back to library and stay until at least 5 PM. Sometimes it is until 8:30 PM then I will take the last bus back to Gatton. I have to say, this is somehow boring. But assignment after assignment really take my time and I am still bad at managing my time to study.

I guess I will continue my counseling with Kate, trying the best to get rid of my anxiety. I will book an appointment after Easter and midterm holiday, and I had book an appointment with the doctor in health service regarding my ankle. Things are still complicated in my head. Sometimes I feel like I am strong and I shouldn’t worry too much, the other time I feel like the things I experience is something that will blow people up so it is justified to seek for professional help. But really, the real reason is because these health service is covered by my OSHC and I want to utilize every facilities they gave me. This is something that I can’t afford before.


I have deadline for weed science essay, due to next week, 4000 words count. I guess I will skip EAC class today and just focus on that essay