Time Heals Every Wound

Rabu, 29 Maret 2017
Gatton, 30 March 2017

It was very hard for me to write about this.

Amak (my grandma) passed away three days ago. She was not ill. I mean, she had stroke and couldn’t get up off her bed in the last 11 months, but she always said that other than her leg and left side body, she felt healthy. She ate well and gain some weight in the last months of her life. I know because I help my mom get her on the wheelchair. Then suddenly, she just left. My mom said she passed away in her sleep, around 4 AM at 27th march. My mom found out in the morning at 6 AM, when she delivered her meal and clean her up, like how she did every single day for the last 11 months. Amak’s eyes was closed. My mom thought she was sleeping. But when she touched her, she was already cold. My grandfather was already sitting in the corner of the room for a while, but he didn’t know. He had no idea that his wife was gone.

I was in the library when I read the family chat group. Really, everything was hard to comprehend. I have mixed feeling of sadness, guilt, and pity. When I left to Australia, somehow I know that it would be the last time I saw her. I knew this would happened. But when it does happen, it still overwhelmed me with shock and waves and waves of sadness. Ya Allah, she was scared. She told me she was scared. “Why can’t I remember the ayat for shalat, Dia? Has my heart been closed?” She asked me that several times. She asked me to write it down for her and teach her the trick to remember it. Then she’ll cry, keep asking will Allah forgive her sins. And I was sitting there like an idiot having no idea what to do. I was a complete idiot. People said that when someone grow old they will nag and whine a lot like a child. I thought it was natural. But even if she started to forget a lot of things, even if it is natural, it doesn’t mean that she doesn’t feel fear anymore. It was the scariest moment of her life and I was oblivious of that. When sometimes I do understand about it, I do not have any idea of how to comfort her.

I will be very honest and you’re free to judge me. In the last few month, I stopped praying for Allah to cure her. I changed my prayer. I want Him to give her happiness in the last days of her life, to comfort her heart, and to forgive her sins. I don’t think she was happy, and happiness is the most important thing. Maybe this was for the best. Maybe she will be happy now. But really, I feel very guilty. How could I think of it that way?

And my mom, she was the one who take care of amak when she was ill. She cooked for her, clean her, and bathe her. I can’t imagine how it feels for her when suddenly find out that amak was not around anymore. My mom has been in hard times, but really, I am sure that she’s the one who feels the biggest loss. And I am here, far away from home. Can’t do anything but cry and pray.

It was hard for me, it still is. This is the first time I experience the loss of close family member. I don’t know how to cope with this and to be honest, I am not comfortable talking about this to people. When I am starting to get drawn in assignments, I had the first breakdown during my study here. Really, I know I will naturally survive. Time heals every wound. But until it does heal, it hurts so bad and I am not sure if I deal with it the right way. 

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