I am Finally Brave Enough To Tell You

Senin, 24 Oktober 2016

I had been reading for 5 hours and got totally into it. A real page turner. The old dual band radio my dad bought in 2001 played love songs from late 90’s. When the last song stopped and the broadcaster said goodbye and called it a day, the constant buzzing voice from the radio blended with the dense darkness of midnight. It created an invisible dome of silence which suddenly trapped me, and -as sudden as it appeared- it collapsed and the debris hit me, leaving me flattered of how quiet it was. I got out of the book, got back to real world, then looked around. I was in my room again after 5 hours wondering in God knows where. 

Everyone had already off to bed. I was the only one who still awake in this house, even probably in this whole small neighborhood. It was so lively when I started reading: my dad and mom were chatting in the dining room, my brother was on phone with his friend, and my neighbor was burning the rubbish just across my yard and made it looks like a bonfire. Now everyone stopped, everything was quiet. I couldn’t help but think that my situation was like Robin William’s in Jumanji. I went away for a little while then everything changed. Unless, it’s not lion or flood or a hunter welcome me, it’s the silence and darkness.

What had happened when I was away?

My eyes wide opened. It already passed my bedtime. I sat there, stared into empty space. The atmosphere tasted like punch with too much artificial sweetener. I Asked myself about what I should do until my eyes gave away to sleep. I turn my PC on and tried to find something nice to watch. Couldn’t find any. Tried my mp3 folder, maybe some good music could shoo this sickening muteness away. I still couldn’t find any. Everything felt so irrelevant. Even reality was distorted for me. The reality was mixed with the story from book and all my memory, senses and imagination mingled like colorful fruit in a salad bowl. 

The guy who feels all guilty and responsible for the misery of his half-brother and then tries to save his nephew from pedophile in Afghanistan was the story I was reading. The girl who trapped in a hell pit called boredom while waiting for the time of her master degree intake and constantly feeling insecure about her capacity is the reality I am in. 

I was reading A Kite Runner, by the way. A real page turner. 

I am back to reality, and my head suddenly become so crowded and loud with a lot of voices. 

And, long story short about my situation: I am waiting for the time to leave to Brisbane. I got LoA to study in University of Queensland’s Master of Agricultural Science, and scholarship from LPDP. When I try to remember it, I devoted all my fortune and time for this. I used my whole saving for the IELTS test in February and got the LoA from UQ in March. I submit my application to LPDP in April, passed the document assessment stage then proceed to interview test in May. The email notification that I am officially an awardee came in July, 10th. Then I went to Depok in September for PK (Persiapan Keberangkatan) LPDP then I guess I’ll be leaving to Jakarta again next month to process my student visa to Australia. 

How crazy is thaaaaat??!

I mean, I couldn’t imagine that I will eventually experience this in my life. This whole thing was just a part of a wild dream last year, I seriously thought I won’t make it this far. After graduating in early 2015, I was drown again in debate and adjudicating. I was really enjoying life! Going to Binus Jakarta for AEO, adjudicating in SEO, getting invited in NUDC, managing the internal selection for 3rd time. I didn’t even think about properly seeking for job or scholarship (well, the real reason is because I still didn’t have my diploma with me, :p). So, when all the debate duty had all done, I get the time to think about what to do next. So in December 2015, I made the decision to use all my paycheck from NUDC 2015 for the IELTS test I would take in February 2016, and I’ve told you the rest of the story. 

The thing is, it’s not easy to comfort my nerve about this challenge I am taking. I had been feeling this symptom of inferiority complex in the past few years. Don’t ask me how I found out or how serious that is, because really,  I myself have no idea. I need professional psychologist (or psychiatrist?) to diagnose my condition and I don’t like talking about it. the thing is, this condition makes me constantly worry about how I’ll manage to do it, how is it going to be, can I really do it, that kind of stupid question. To make things worse, this condition had make me withdraw from most of my social life, and I also hate talking more about this. But, somehow, I know I can do it. I can’t help but keep worrying but I do have faith in me, I believe in my capacity. 

I know myself well. How much I love sleeping, how short my concentrating span lasts, how slow I sometimes could understand something, how messy my train of thought runs, how vulnerable I am for mental damage, this whole things keep dancing in my brain. But at the same time, I believe that everybody could change for the better. Everyone could experience that one turning point in life when they become a completely new person, a new better person. That is something I always want to experience. I want to grow out of my shell, I want to push my limit to the point where I finally can honestly say to myself “I am proud of you.” I know that a far journey and a hard life can be the answer for that. I need that journey. I need that hard life. I should stop being a soft-boiled egg and start becoming a well-done steak (I know this analogy is silly but I like it).  
So, I am grateful, for God still trust me with this exciting journey. I am grateful, for I could find more to explore, more to learn, more to achieve. I am grateful, that I could feel my heart beat fast, my nerve tensed, and I could feel the fear in me. I take all those as the sign that I am going to experience a life changing phase. I am grateful that God gives me chance to be insecure again. I could learn about my insecurities, then find steps to eventually beat it… beat myself. 

Night grew darker and colder. The dome of silence around me rebuilt and I could feel the claustrophobic symptoms grow in me. Feeling claustrophobic for an invisible dome? It makes me realize that I am alive, I am afraid, and I am fully humane. 

I’ve admitted my weaknesses, now I am working on conquer it…