Understanding Mom

Senin, 26 Oktober 2015
I keep thinking about my mom lately. It gives me a a roller coaster ride of emotion. Sometimes i feel like i am very lucky to have a mother like my mom, some other time i ask myself if i do know what kind of person my mom really is. Yes, i thought about it. it’s embarrassing that the idea ever cross my mind but that’s a truth. I am sorry but i am not going to deny it.

The thing is, if you are very quiet and you never speak up your mind, people might misunderstand you. You can’t expect people to know how you feel or what you think if you don’t talk. Those people who think that introverts are selfish are not exactly wrong, you know? It’s a burden to tolerate, even a bigger burden to tolerate something you don’t understand. That’s my problem with my mom, i don’t know what she feel, i don’t know what she think because she never talk about that stuff. My dad is the same actually, he never talk emotional. But like me, my dad is an open book. it’s not hard to tell what his feeling is. So it’s easier to deal with my dad than my mom. 

I don’t get much story from my mom. I know since i was young that my mom was unconscious when she gave birth to me. But i didn’t know it lasted for freaking nine days! I’ve been around for nine days, curling up in incubator before she find out that her daughter had come to the world. And the first time i heard about it is last month! I mean, Seriously, why doesn’t she bother to tell me? I know that she had a very hard life when she’s young. She doesn’t get what she want, she didn’t really had fun. She did decorative sewing for extra money and she had to walk for ten kilometers to get the cloth and thread! She cried because she doesn’t have money to buy coconut milk when she really wanted to make gulai for my dad! She... she.... i don’t know what else she did because she never told me!! All those story are from my aunts, not her. All i know from her is that she save a lot of money for me. I don’t always get what i want but i always get what i need.  I know exactly how much she has. It’s enough to give her a comfortable life for a lifetime. But she saved it for her children. She has sacrifice too many thing for me. And the facts that i am unable to understand her drives me sad ang angry at the same time. It really makes me sad that i don’t know what she feels. Does my mom think i am just a little girl who can’t bear the burden of being emotional? Does she want to protect me from sadness of her stories? Thinks that i am not strong enough? Nobody knows! 

But every time i look at her face, it looks like she doesn’t really get those burden. Other than tired from work, all i can see in my mom’s face is relax, like she never worry. She doesn’t look worry when my grandmother was sick, she doesn’t look worry when my brother dropped out of school. even when i was little, when our house was burnt, i don’t remember seeing my mom cry or depressed. She was indeed shock when my brother got accident and got his head stitched, but she was calm and quickly know what to do. In the times other people would freak out, my mom keep her poker face and do what she has to do. 

Or maybe i just didn’t observe my mom well...

This afternoon when i called my mom, i was feeling so heavy-hearted. Some things keep bothering me. But when i hear my mom’s carefree voice, it makes me relieve that at least, at the surface, she sounds happy. I can’t dig into her head. her heart is a deep ocean i can’t never dive into. I really wish i could, i will give everything to be able to understand my mom completely. I want to be her crying shoulder, i want to be the person she tell her problems to. But seems like she’s just too strong. Rather than able to comfort my mom, it’s more likely that i am the one who get crushed. I don’t believe that she never worry, i don’t believe that she never cry. Wether I’ve seen it or not is irrelevant.
Then it hits me, being a good daughter and being a crying shoulder is even more irrelevant...

untittled

Minggu, 25 Oktober 2015


October, 26th, 2015
.... Then i woke up, realize it’s a blackout again. I open my door and see the smoke is even worse than yesterday. Morning blue, the unexplainable sad and depressed feeling in the morning hit me, hard enough that i have to scream to my pillow to stop myself from crying. The atmosphere feels so weird, i can hear the traffic from the road in front of my room but my surrounding feels so dull, like i can feel everyone’s aura around me is the negative one, like mine. No one laugh, or even talk, they do their morning routine is silence. 

The hunger makes me feel worse, i starve myself to sleep last night. All i have is a bag of butter cookies. I sit on the porch, eat my cookie, and let my mind wander without destination, without control, like a small boat drifting in the wave. The restaurant owner in front of my room starts his generator, adding one more depressing sounds to my ears. All i see is just a neighborhood covered with smoke. I smeel the sewage, generator’s waste, and dust. All my senses conspire to torture me, even the cookies don’t taste as good as it used to be. 

How long has it been since the first time this smoke block the blue sky? I notice it first in Pontianak, two months ago, but i’m sure it might has started long before that. The last time i saw the blue sky was on the plane on my way back to padang, and i don’t know when i will see it again. People are getting angrier and angrier, blaming the government for working so slow to stop the fire. I don’t usually blame the government, thinking that complaining wouldn’t make much difference. But people are literally dying because of this goddamn smoke. And it makes me angry that those retards sitting as incumbent are actually giving permit to those capitalist pigs who owns palm oil company to burn down forest to open land. I mean, seriously, how could they be so selfish? 

So, now, i fully understand, and i feeling a bigger urgency to support the victims. I am quite healthy, my body still can tolerate this disaster. But how about those who has breathing problem? The babies who need clean air? If my baby die because of the smoke, i will need someone to blame to, i will be enraged, too. 

I will keep praying for this disaster to disappear soon...