Understanding Mom

Senin, 26 Oktober 2015
I keep thinking about my mom lately. It gives me a a roller coaster ride of emotion. Sometimes i feel like i am very lucky to have a mother like my mom, some other time i ask myself if i do know what kind of person my mom really is. Yes, i thought about it. it’s embarrassing that the idea ever cross my mind but that’s a truth. I am sorry but i am not going to deny it.

The thing is, if you are very quiet and you never speak up your mind, people might misunderstand you. You can’t expect people to know how you feel or what you think if you don’t talk. Those people who think that introverts are selfish are not exactly wrong, you know? It’s a burden to tolerate, even a bigger burden to tolerate something you don’t understand. That’s my problem with my mom, i don’t know what she feel, i don’t know what she think because she never talk about that stuff. My dad is the same actually, he never talk emotional. But like me, my dad is an open book. it’s not hard to tell what his feeling is. So it’s easier to deal with my dad than my mom. 

I don’t get much story from my mom. I know since i was young that my mom was unconscious when she gave birth to me. But i didn’t know it lasted for freaking nine days! I’ve been around for nine days, curling up in incubator before she find out that her daughter had come to the world. And the first time i heard about it is last month! I mean, Seriously, why doesn’t she bother to tell me? I know that she had a very hard life when she’s young. She doesn’t get what she want, she didn’t really had fun. She did decorative sewing for extra money and she had to walk for ten kilometers to get the cloth and thread! She cried because she doesn’t have money to buy coconut milk when she really wanted to make gulai for my dad! She... she.... i don’t know what else she did because she never told me!! All those story are from my aunts, not her. All i know from her is that she save a lot of money for me. I don’t always get what i want but i always get what i need.  I know exactly how much she has. It’s enough to give her a comfortable life for a lifetime. But she saved it for her children. She has sacrifice too many thing for me. And the facts that i am unable to understand her drives me sad ang angry at the same time. It really makes me sad that i don’t know what she feels. Does my mom think i am just a little girl who can’t bear the burden of being emotional? Does she want to protect me from sadness of her stories? Thinks that i am not strong enough? Nobody knows! 

But every time i look at her face, it looks like she doesn’t really get those burden. Other than tired from work, all i can see in my mom’s face is relax, like she never worry. She doesn’t look worry when my grandmother was sick, she doesn’t look worry when my brother dropped out of school. even when i was little, when our house was burnt, i don’t remember seeing my mom cry or depressed. She was indeed shock when my brother got accident and got his head stitched, but she was calm and quickly know what to do. In the times other people would freak out, my mom keep her poker face and do what she has to do. 

Or maybe i just didn’t observe my mom well...

This afternoon when i called my mom, i was feeling so heavy-hearted. Some things keep bothering me. But when i hear my mom’s carefree voice, it makes me relieve that at least, at the surface, she sounds happy. I can’t dig into her head. her heart is a deep ocean i can’t never dive into. I really wish i could, i will give everything to be able to understand my mom completely. I want to be her crying shoulder, i want to be the person she tell her problems to. But seems like she’s just too strong. Rather than able to comfort my mom, it’s more likely that i am the one who get crushed. I don’t believe that she never worry, i don’t believe that she never cry. Wether I’ve seen it or not is irrelevant.
Then it hits me, being a good daughter and being a crying shoulder is even more irrelevant...

untittled

Minggu, 25 Oktober 2015


October, 26th, 2015
.... Then i woke up, realize it’s a blackout again. I open my door and see the smoke is even worse than yesterday. Morning blue, the unexplainable sad and depressed feeling in the morning hit me, hard enough that i have to scream to my pillow to stop myself from crying. The atmosphere feels so weird, i can hear the traffic from the road in front of my room but my surrounding feels so dull, like i can feel everyone’s aura around me is the negative one, like mine. No one laugh, or even talk, they do their morning routine is silence. 

The hunger makes me feel worse, i starve myself to sleep last night. All i have is a bag of butter cookies. I sit on the porch, eat my cookie, and let my mind wander without destination, without control, like a small boat drifting in the wave. The restaurant owner in front of my room starts his generator, adding one more depressing sounds to my ears. All i see is just a neighborhood covered with smoke. I smeel the sewage, generator’s waste, and dust. All my senses conspire to torture me, even the cookies don’t taste as good as it used to be. 

How long has it been since the first time this smoke block the blue sky? I notice it first in Pontianak, two months ago, but i’m sure it might has started long before that. The last time i saw the blue sky was on the plane on my way back to padang, and i don’t know when i will see it again. People are getting angrier and angrier, blaming the government for working so slow to stop the fire. I don’t usually blame the government, thinking that complaining wouldn’t make much difference. But people are literally dying because of this goddamn smoke. And it makes me angry that those retards sitting as incumbent are actually giving permit to those capitalist pigs who owns palm oil company to burn down forest to open land. I mean, seriously, how could they be so selfish? 

So, now, i fully understand, and i feeling a bigger urgency to support the victims. I am quite healthy, my body still can tolerate this disaster. But how about those who has breathing problem? The babies who need clean air? If my baby die because of the smoke, i will need someone to blame to, i will be enraged, too. 

I will keep praying for this disaster to disappear soon...     

persimpangan jalan

Rabu, 09 September 2015

Jejak kita bertaburan disemua sudut kota
Berpapasan, bersisian, namun tertanggal di masa yang berbeda
Semua berarti karena kita yang memberikan arti, sehingga “kau pernah disini” tidak sesederhana cetakan langkah kasat mata yang kau tinggalkan.
Setujukah kau, bahwa terpisah waktu lebih menyebalkan daripada terpisah jarak? 
Karena cerita bisa menjadi sangat berbeda hanya karena satu hari, satu tahun, satu dasawarsa

Kau seperti hantuku dan aku adalah hantumu, tak saling sadar satu sama lain.
Yang ada hanyalah kita mencoretkan memori di tempat yang sama, namun kau entah siapa dan aku pun entah siapa.
Sungguh si jahat bernama waktu itu lagi-lagi lancang mempermainkanku, sampai saat ini aku tak berhenti menyesali hujan yang turun atau payung yang patah, karena kalau tidak aku pasti bisa lebih awal bertemu denganmu.

Dan sekarang ketika kita sebenarnya bisa bersisian menyambangi sudut kota, aku tak lagi berani untuk menginginkanmu.
Jadi biarkan sajalah jejak kaki itu berpapasan, bersisian, tapi tercetak di masa yang berbeda...


Padang, 10 September 2015

NUDC 2015: The Trip

Selasa, 01 September 2015
a late post

August 22nd, 2015,  10:55 pm

Suara menderu lembut terdengar monoton dari central air conditioner di langit-langit kamar yang berundak. TV layar datar LG yang entah bagaimana  caranya bisa menempel di dinding menampilkan channel-channel TV kabel. Saya melompat dari satu channel ke channel lain, menonton wolverine di fox movie, lalu wedding crashers di HBO, reality show Amerika yang kalau dilihat-lihat sama saja lebaynya dengan yang di Indonesia, entah apa lagi, tak ada yang saya tonton sampai selesai. Sudah hampir tengah malam. Saya masih belum mandi dan berganti baju. ini hari keempat NUDC 2015, preliminary round sudah selesai. Tidak seperti malam kemarin, hari ini beban saya rasanya sudah tidak berat lagi, jadi saya tidak terlalu lelah. Mungkin nanti lewat tengah malam saya baru akan mandi dan tidur. 

Besok jadwal terakhir NUDC. Saya beruntung bisa ikut lomba ini untuk ketiga kalinya, kali ini sebagai invited adjudicator. Saya ikut sejak tahun 2011, ketika namanya masih NUEDC. Sensasi yang diberikannya setiap tahun tidak pernah sama. Tapi saya tidak akan cerita masalah NUDC-nya disini. Butuh satu postigan blog khusus untuk itu. Sementara saya memikirkan apa yang akan saya tulis tentang NUDC, saya ceritakan saja dulu soal tripnya.

Tahun ini NUDC diadakan di Pontianak, Kalimantan Barat. Hostnya adalah Universitas Tanjungpura. To be perfectly honest, no offense, Pontianak sepertinya bukan kota tujuan wisata di Kalimantan Barat, jadi tidak terlalu banyak yang bisa dilihat. Namun bertepatan dengan tanggal diadakannya NUDC, diadakan juga festival khatulistiwa yang dibuka dan dihadiri oleh presiden Jokowi. Bapak Presiden menginap di hotel yang sama dengan kami para peserta. Buat saya, itu hiburan yang lebih ngena dibandingkan dengan tempat-tempat wisata di kota ini. ah, sekali lagi minta maaf karena tidak bisa mengapresiasi kota ini dengan lebih baik. Saya pikir sebenarnya tekanan menjadi invited adjudicator-lah yang membuat saya tidak bisa enjoying the city. So, yeah, it's my problem actually, not Pontianak's problem :)
Unand tahun ini diwakili oleh Melati dan Dian, N1-nya Elsa, saya sebagai invited adju (I promise I will write about it in another post), Kak Eza sebagai official, dan Rifki disuruh pak Aprisal ikut sebagai coach. Jadilah, kemana-mana kami berenam. Walaupun kak Eza dan Rifki menginap di hotel yang berbeda tapi kami mengusahakan supaya bisa makan malam bersama.
Harus saya bilang bahwa dengan adanya mereka, pressure yang saya rasakan jadi lebih bearable. Bersama kami jadi segerombolan tukang tertawa yang tak berhenti makan. Tujuan kami jelas; mencicipi apa yang tidak ditemukan di kota lain. Ya mencicipi makanannya, ya mencicipi jalanannya, ya mencicipi suasananya. Malam  kedua NUDC ketika jadwal sudah agak longgar, kami keluar makan bubur pedas khas Pontianak. Penampilannya memang agak mengkhawatirkan tapi bubur pedas itu ternyata sangat sesuai dengan lidah saya. 
 
bubur pedas, atau dalam dialek lokal bubor paddas
Malam selanjutnya kami makan sotong pangkong pinggir jalan, lalu dilanjutkan dengan makan sea food di tempat yang namanya Glam cafĂ©. 
 
terobsesi pengen makan ini gara-gara ini favoritnya Daehan, Minguk, Manse :D
Kemana-mana kami diantar dengan taksi yang sebenarnya tak ada tampang sebagai taksi, itu hanya mobil avanza biasa yang bahkan tidak berplat kuning, lebih tepat disebut sebagai mobil carteran. Tapi apapunlah namanya, begitulah sehari-hari kami pergi-pergi di Pontianak. Memang harus begitu. Kak Eza dan Rifki menginap di hotel Kapuas, Saya, Elsa, Dian, dan Melati menginap di hotel Mercure. Jaraknya cukup jauh, tidak bisa jalan kaki. 

Tadi setelah maghrib kami pergi makan malam dengan “taksi” itu lagi. Lalu sedikit berkeliling kota dan melakukan hal-hal bodoh. Tahu bahwa kami tidak akan lama disini dan tidak akan ada yang mengenali ketika kami melakukan hal bodoh, saya mengajak Elsa bermain permainan sederhana untuk mengusir awkward silent di mobil. kami suit batu-gunting-kertas, yang lebih dahulu menang lima kali harus melakukan tantangan yang sudah disepakati duluan. Sebelumnya elsa kalah round satu ketika perjalanan di bus ke hotel, jadi dia harus mengajak kenalan random debater yang ada di bus yang sama. Saya kalah round dua, jadi saya harus berteriak “cieeee! Pacaran!!” ke pasangan di atas motor yang random dilihat di jalanan. Elsa kalah lagi round tiga, jadi dia harus mencari random person lainnya dan berteriak “papa! Aku anakmu!”. Begitu saja. Tapi kami tak berhenti tertawa. Ada saja yang jadi bahan becandaan. Ya mereka yang membayangkan saya masuk paspampes yang dengan garang berjaga disekitar hotel, ya kebodohan Elsa yang mengecas hp di kamar hotel lalu meninggalkan kamarnya dengan mencabut keycard dari soket power (yang sudah pasti memutus aliran listrik dan hpnya tidak akan tercas), ya Rifki yang random mengaku sebagai personel peterpan atau menyanyi keras di kamar mandi sampai terdengar keluar kamar, ya crush-crush kami di venue acara, ya pejabat dari kampus yang kami khianati dengan meninggalkannya sendirian, semuanya. Saya mungkin menyimpan anxiety dalam hati dan anak-anak yang lain menyimpan kekecewaan, tapi ketika semuanya berakhir hari ini, kami tak peduli apa-apa lagi dan akhirnya bisa at least enjoy the moment. 

Jam 11:41 pm
Saya akhirnya mendapatkan acara tv yang benar-benar sesuai: the Penguin of Madagascar di channel Nickelodeon. This is what I want. Sedikitpun saya tak mau lagi mendengar apapun yang berhubungan dengan motion, adjudicating, atau apapun yang berhubungan dengan debat, paling tidak untuk beberapa hari ke depan.
Saya masih belum mengantuk. Tadi sore saya ingin memotret mobilnya presiden yang parkir di depan hotel. Tapi pengawalnya yang setia menjaga melarang. “nanti jadi terkenal..” katanya. And I was like “what the hell?” saya yakin sebenarnya bisa saja saya tanpa izin memotretnya, tapi sebagai  warga Negara yang baik, saya minta ijin dulu sama paspampres itu. Kalau tau akan ditolak lebih baik saya tidak minta izin. Saya pikir paspampres itu hanya sok gaya dan mungkin juga dia agak irritated dengan gerombolan mahasiswa norak dari “third world country”-nya Indonesia mengganggu jam tugasnya. Kalau kami bukan peserta NUDC pasti sudah diusir duluan. ya ya, protokoler itu menyebalkan. Beberapa menit yang lalu saya sempat berpikir untuk membalas dengan iseng nelpon ke kamar presiden yang Cuma dua lantai diatas kamar saya. Tapi sepertinya tidak mungkin akan nyambung. Saya sudah malas digeledah isi tas dan  harus melewati pintu metal detector setiap kali masuk ke hotel sehingga sudah cukup waras untuk tidak cari perkara. So prank call? Not gonna work absolutely.

Jam 11:51 pm
Hampir tengah malam. Saya rasanya mulai merasakan kebutuhan untuk ke kamar mandi setelah tadi menyantap sotong pangkong, cha kue,  cumi goreng, dan berupa-rupa cicip-cicipan makanan yang dipesan anak-anak yang lain. Pontianak sudah tertidur dua jam lalu karena kebanyakan tempat-tempat keramaian tutup jam 10 malam. Kasur dengan seprai linen yang nyaman juga semakin malam semakin tempting. Saya harus segera mandi dan tidur. Besok masih ada yang harus dilakukan jadi saya tidak boleh "terlalu" terlambat. So let’s call it a day. Let’s take a bath sambil memikirkan bahwa kemewahan ini hanya akan saya nikmati  satu hari lagi…





2 weeks later
2 September 2015
 sepertinya ini akan jadi satu-satunya postingan tentang NUDC 2015. Setelah saya pikir-pikir, postingan tentang turnamennya yang tercetak dikepala saya tidak bermuatan positif, ada banyak insecurity jika saya paksakan untuk menulisnya. jadi, tidak usah. bagaimanapun juga, saya akhirnya selalu memetik pelajaran dari debate trip (biar agak keren, namanya dimirip-miripkan dengan business trip) yang saya alami. ya itu pelajaran tentang debat, ya pelajaran tentang orang lain, ya tentang diri sendiri. pelajaran yang saya dapat dari NUDC tahun ini adalah bahwa saya harus belajar lebih banyak lagi supaya bisa mengikuti dinamika perubahan dalam debating dan adjudicating (i hate this sentence, terasa seperti kalimat yang dicomot dari pidato sambutan pejabat-pejabat yang kurang wawasan). saya harus belajar lebih banyak tentang hal-hal basic yang terlewatkan, and i also have to work on my confidence. Saya tidak tahu kapan kesempatan seperti ini datang lagi, but until then, saya akan terus berusaha menjadi debater dan adjudicator yang lebih baik...

and here's some other pictures from the trip :D
di Rumah Radakng (tidak, saya tidak typo)

day 2, most tensed

 
last day, it's done



 
main break grand final

good bye, thank you

keep looking, be fair!

Minggu, 02 Agustus 2015


You might get shocked and despise me if i admit that i got excited when the Supreme Court of United States legalise gay marriage nationwide.  In facts, i was excited. But it’s not for the reason that i will utilize the law, but the mere curiousity about  how people would react. It’s exciting to see the arguments in internet. I was expecting that this will be on the newsfeed of my facebook, but well, it seems like my circle isn’t that familiar with this issue. People mostly share the link to Islam laws articles, inspiring stories, critics to government, stuff like that. The only post related to the gay marriage is one of the debater fellow who change her facebook pictures with the rainbow-colored filter. 

The thing is, LGBT is one of the very basic issue in debate and i think it is safe for me to say that i am pretty familiar with this. It leads to the result that I am not againts gay marriage. I don’t make any comment in social media except for a post in Path with picture of rainbow-colored White House and neutral impression. I decided to write here instead.

My understanding about gay is that they are just like other people: various. You can’t give one title for all of them, so it is very possible to despise one gay and support other gay. Just like “normal” people in common, gays are vary from nice gay, annoying gay, inspirational gay, pathetic gay, cute and lovely gay, a gay that deserve a slap, a gay that deserve a kiss, a gay that deserve a special place in hell, a gay that you hope God will forgive his soul, a gay that is so funny, a religious gay, a narrow minded gay, farmer gay, doctor gay, gay who want to be straight, gay who whant to convert other to become gay too, gay who likes babies, gay who likes churros, gay that looks like a cat, gays with amazing racing skill, and so on bla bla bla...

The question is, which one do you see first? Is it how they address themselves as gay or the quality within them? Oh, of course it’s their sexual orientation first, those who say otherwise are lying! (okay, i am being annoyingly impulsive here, ignore it, ignore it). i do, too. When someone say that someone is gay, i naturally have different judgement to them. I tried to imagine how that person wake up in the morning, getting dressed, and start his/her day. Only after several moments, i move on to “judge” their other quality which eventually lead me to a conclusion that he is one of the gay i mentioned above. My starting point may look like a conservative judgemental sexist but at the end of the day, i can assure you that i will always put your sexual orientation aside and look deeper into yourself. 

So, am i wrong for doing so? For having a narrow and subjective starting point in judging people? I believe it’s not, in fact, it is completely normal. I think it is normal if i start my assessment to gay people in different line with straight people. Because based on my understanding, gay people are different from straight people in fundamental stuff. Sounds okay and normal, eh? Yes, it does! I then proceed to the second stage to see other quality of that person, like is he nice? Is he hardworking? Is he generous and friendly? Or is he evil? Is he selfish? Is he a criminal mastermind? At this point, i start to “judge” a gay as a good gays or an a**hole gays. Still sounds okay, right? Sure, it does!
The thing is, a lot of people stop at the first stage, that they don’t want to assess people further for this point. It’s like all good thing from someone is voided because of their sexual oerientation, and they’re becoming even more evil and disgusting if they are bad. It’s a pity, right?

I got this idea from a video in ted.com. a speech by Yassmin Abdel-Magied: “what does my headsraft mean to you?” Yasmin talked about how some people in society have narrow perception about Muslim woman’s, and i think this idea also works on gay people. We can't stop judging people in the first stage, it's unfair. We have to look beyond our initial perceptions, and open doors to new ways of supporting others. you can watch the video here.