Di Satu Hari di Penghujung Musim Dingin

Senin, 04 September 2017
Kalau lah ruangan computer annex ada penunggunya, mungkin mereka sudah menerima saya sebagai bagian dari komunitas. Setiap hari sejak sebulan belakangan saya disini, dan seminggu terakhir bahkan tetap tinggal sampai jauh malam. Datang jam setengah sembilan pagi, pulang jam setengah satu dini hari. Duduk, makan, dan tertidur di meja yang sama. Awalnya karena mengerjakan laporan pratikum plant physiology yang susah-susah gampang, lalu sekarang dilanjutkan dengan tugas-tugas lain dari 4 mata kuliah yang saya ambil. tidak akan mungkin bisa punya ritme waktu seperti itu kalau bukan berkat teman saya Rizky yang menyetir pulang pergi town-kampus dengan mobil mercedes benz L-300 nya (yang saya bahkan tidak tau apa benar ada mercedes tipe itu karena tentu saja itu bohong).

Ritme kegiatan macam ini hanya sesekali saya alami sebelumnya. Karena itu, di pagi hari kedua saya merasa kurang bertenaga. Rasanya seperti otot habis dipakai mengangkat beban berat tanpa pemanasan lalu efeknya tiba-tiba loyo dan gemetaran, pasti semua orang mengerti maksud saya. Hari selanjutnya saya jadi susah ke belakang karena metabolisme melambat dan berakibat pencernaan juga melambat. Saya jadi mudah sekali tertidur di kursi yang sebelumnya jarang sekali terjadi. Tapi tetap saja, saya senang bisa punya waktu lebih banyak menyelesaikan assignment. Produktifitas yang meningkat setelah matahari tenggelam membuat sayang rasanya untuk pulang. Jadi bairlah otot saya kurang tenaga, biarlah jadwal ke belakang jadi tersendat, yang penting assignment bisa dicicil dan tidak membunuh nanti diakhir semester. 

Perubahan jam biologis yang berakibat pada perubahan fisiologis tubuh bisa lah saya atasi, waktu dulu jadi adj-core lomba debat juga saya harus tidur larut malam dan bangun pagi-pagi demi mnyelesaikan segala sesuatu yang berhubungan dengan turnamen. Tapi kali ini saya juga berurusan dengan The Faceless Man. Yang ini adalah hal yang baru. Hari selasa tanggal 29 Agustus lalu, saya, Rizky, dan mbak Dian pulang bersama jam setengah satu malam. Ketika berjalan ke parkiran, di dekat pagar pembatas area konstruksi gedung perpustakaan yang sedang direnovasi dari jauh kami melihat seorang laki-laki berpakaian serba hitam berdiri diam. Dia hanya diam di pojok, tidak melakukan apa-apa. Bahkan sebelum saya memperhatikan, Rizky dengan yakin sudah mengumumkan ke khalayak ramai (saya dan Mbak Dian) kalau itu bukan orang. Dia bilang laki-laki itu tidak punya wajah. Untuk mengkonfirmasi, dengan polosnya saya hanya memperhatikan kakinya, karena entah kenapa saya bodoh betul meyakini kalau hantu apapun itu, dia tidak akan menapak tanah. Padahal kan tidak. Pocong menapak tanah, genderuwo juga menapak tanah. Jadi ketika saya liat sosok itu juga menapak tanah, tidak mengkonfirmasi dengan melihat wajahnya lagi karena saya sudah ketakutan duluan. Sumpah saya tidak pernah setakut itu! Cuma rasa malu saja yang membuat saya menahan diri untuk tidak lari tunggang-langgang. Saya hampir menangis dan dengan panik meminta Rizky berhenti bicara "Rizky, please keep it for yourself! I hate you!" saya ingat betul saya bilang itu berkali-kali karena berpikir awalnya dia cuma becanda. Mbak Dian kemudian menenangkan dengan bilang kalau itu memang orang, dan baru empat hari setelahnya saya tau kalau itu dusta supaya saya tidak panik lagi. Malam itu suhu dingin, entah 9 atau 7 derajat, saya lupa. Begitu sampai di mobilnya Rizky yang diparkir cukup jauh, saya kedinginan, dingin fisik dan mental. Keder sekeder-kedernya. 

Seperti yang saya bilang, saya baru tau kalau itu betul bukan orang hari sabtu tanggal 2 Septermber ketika kami berkumpul bersama teman-teman lain untuk lunch setelah Idul Adha. Saya tanyai serius Mbak Dian, bener waktu itu dia bilang itu orang cuma untuk menenangkan. Dia tersenyum dan mengangguk dan semua benteng pertahanan saya runtuh. ada denial dan rasa bersalah karena sudah mengomel-ngomel ke Rizky. Di titik itu kami bisa menceritakan kejadian itu sambil tertawa-tawa, seolah-olah lupa kami malam itu berjalan seperti atlit jalan cepat Malaysia yang melanggar aturan di Sea Games tempo hari. The Faceless Man juga tidak pernah menunjukkan diri lagi setelah itu. Tapi, kejadian kecil itu mengubah saya untuk selamanya, dari Widia yang tidak pernah berurusan dengan hal-hal yang berhubungan dengan "melihat sesuatu", menjadi Widia yang "pernah melihat sesuatu". Awalnya saya berharap kalau malam itu kami dikerjai seseorang, bisa jadi ada orang iseng disana memakai topeng dan didukung dengan pencahayaan minim tengah malam berhasil menyampaikan teror ke kami. Kejadian itu membuat saya rasanya "tidak virgin" lagi untuk urusan macam ini. Tapi saya mengerti, sama seperti bagaimana dengan melihat kesakitan, kengkhianatan, dan rasa benci kita diubah dari anak kecil bodoh dan naif menjadi orang dewasa yang bijaksana dan penuh pengalaman, mengalami kejadian ini semestinya membuat saya lebih baik dalam mengatasi ketakutan. Saya tidak yakin bisa bersikap tenang kalau-kalau nanti saya berpapasan jalan lagi dengan The Faceless Man atau koleganya, tapi paling tidak saya sudah tau bagaimana rasa takutnya. 

Tapi tetap saja, saya berharap tidak pernah lagi bertemu dengan siapapun yang tidak menapak tanah, yang tidak punya wajah, yang kulitnya hijau, yang punggungnya bolong, atau yang terkikik tengah malam. 


Khuldi

Jumat, 25 Agustus 2017
Ribuan kontradiksi semakin sesak di hati. berpasang-pasangan menyiksa dan melemparkanku ke wilayah abu-abu dimana harapan dan ketakutan berperang

hentakan kaki kuda membangunkan debu, dan chaos naik ke langit bersama jerit pilu

Lucunya, dari sini semua kesatria itu terlihat seperti khuldi
ambilkan saja satu untukku sehingga aku tak perlu bingung memilih neraka mana yang harus kumasuki...

Gatton, 26 Agustus 2017

Dan Cerita Ini Berakhir Ketika Ia Bermula

Kamis, 24 Agustus 2017


Bola mataku menyapu rajahan duka di keningmu, sesaat ketika topeng itu disentak oleh dia yang kita sama-sama sakit karenanya. Sesaat setelah itu semua tawamu runtuh di benakku. Tak ada lagi yang perlu kutanyakan. Aku tau kau, aku melihatmu… 

Dan aku juga tawarkan padamu luka itu

Beruntung langkah ini tak terseok sendirian

Gatton, 25 Agustus 2017 

beginning of the second semester

Senin, 07 Agustus 2017
Monday, 7th August 2017

Mondays are tiring now.
I mentioned about taking the plant physiology course and how I was excited about it. Well, it was fun. However, the class would be from 8-11, the pract is from 1-4, on monday. By the time I finished the pract, I was worn out. Like really tired. I don't know how it could drain me so fast. Maybe because I like the course so I was concentrating hard, maybe because one of another reason like I could be mentally exhausted. Either way, this is a bad news. Three weeks into the second semester and I still haven't starting on my assignments. I have submitted the first one, it was only like 250 words of "personal expectation of what I'll learn from that one particular course". So, it wasn't really a big deal. But the coming ones are that thousands or word long, literature review, things like that. So I really have to start writing long before the deadline.
Anyway, aside from the exhaustion, the first two weeks was fine. We went to gold coast yesterday to perform angklung in an multicultural event. Gold Coast is a beautiful city. It was fun. we'll have another performance next week in Brisbane, it'll be Indonesia Independence Day celebration. I'm looking forward to it and it's a good thing that those events are in the beginning of the semester when I still have plenty of time.
I am also excited about going home at the end of this year. I know it's still like 3 months away, but I've known how time works. It flies so fast when you're busy. Before I know it, I'll be home. So I'll hang on for now and do my best.

mid year drama

Selasa, 11 Juli 2017
July 5th 2017
The result of the first semester is out today. I passed, that’s all that matter. Most of the courses I took has satisfying result, but one course result is quite disappointing. It is not that I am sad because I get bad grade, I am sad because I like the professor who teaches that course, and getting low grade for his course makes me feel like I disappoint him. Well, it’s not that he knows me and he knows I like him, and it’s not that he cares about this. But I like him and I want him to be my supervisor. I know he will still happily help me if I ask, I’m just having my confidence crumbled down right now. And the bitterest part is, I knew I could do better. But I was sooo tired on that deadline day, like dog tired. I still had some more time to fix that final assignment, but really, I had reached my limit. I couldn’t use my brain anymore. It had freeze for several times and I felt like throwing up if I force myself to stay in front of the computer and write more paragraph. So I submitted that assignment I half-assedly wrote, then now, I am filled with guilt and regret.
But still, all that matters is I pass every course. I spare myself some sanity and move on to the second semester.

Now, about second semester. I am taking the plant physiology course. Well, this is a mixed feeling of excitement and anxiety, actually. We need to understand basic chemistry to understand photosynthesis. And I suck on this subject. Biology is a little bit better. And I always loved that subject. I was thinking about taking “easier” course, but I only have to options for the compulsory courses, which are the plant physiology and water and land resource management. This water and land resources management require basic knowledge in calculus, physics, and math. So yeah, it’s a bye for me. My chemistry grade in high was barely pass, while math and physics was total nightmare. Let me tell you, math and physics are my worst fear during my high school year. I did all I could to avoid it during my undergrad, and I’ll keep doing so.
So, yeah. I need to prepare myself for the next challenge now.


reality is harsh

Rabu, 07 Juni 2017
I thought when I get my well-deserved holiday and finally become free from assignment, I’ll be happy. The reality is as not as beautiful as I thought. I am still anxious with my grade. I planned to read books to escape reality, but even simply reading is hard. I cannot concentrate, and finally, I just become the person I hated; someone who procrastinate so hard and just wasting time, space, and money.
I went to Brisbane last Monday, alone. I visited the museums which turns out to be smaller than I imagined (maybe because some of the exhibition is closed). I have tons of book from last Saturday book sale that I could read. I have internet connection, I could do literally anything I want to do. But it feels lonely. I have no one to do anything together.

Why can’t I just be happy and enjoy this moment?  

first day of holiday

Jumat, 02 Juni 2017
it's 3rd of June today.
I had been waiting for this day to come; the day after I submit all my assignments and can have a proper holiday without having to think about another assignment until the next semester. Well, it's not that I am all free from all worry, because the fear from my grade still haunt me. I think I did good enough to pass, but your know me, I can't help but having anxiety about things that yet to happen.

So today, in this cold sunny Saturday, I wish I could find something to distract my mind from thinking about grade. Because no matter how worry I get, there is nothing I can do anymore. It's all submitted, the due date is over, I can't fix and resubmit it.
I was thinking about stuff I will do in the next two months. I guess I'll start studying for the next course right after I feel refreshed, I can go to the library and read novels in the upper level, I can stroll at lake Apex and watch birds (which maybe will not be around as they migrate to north during winter), I can go to City and sit in the South Bank park and daydream, or go to theater. there's a lot I can do here, this is Australia! I didn't really explore it since I came here because classes and assignments corrupt my time.

I have to say, I was overwhelmed. In the past two months, I spent hundreds of hours in library. reading journals, writing, paraphrasing, editing, from 8.30 AM to 8.30 PM. I never worked this hard before, and yet, I still tell myself that I didn't work hard enough, didn't work smart enough. Some other people stay at the library until 4 AM! I never had something I fear so much before, something to call nightmare. But today, the nightmare is something that can come to me anytime; failing a course. I can't imagine the shame and consequences I have to bear.
I know it is not happen yet, why worry? But tell this to the people who quote things like "being worry is a wrong use of imagination", that sometimes your brain can have the mind of their own. You do not always have control over your thought, especially if you have anxiety like me.
Oh dear...