reality is harsh

Rabu, 07 Juni 2017
I thought when I get my well-deserved holiday and finally become free from assignment, I’ll be happy. The reality is as not as beautiful as I thought. I am still anxious with my grade. I planned to read books to escape reality, but even simply reading is hard. I cannot concentrate, and finally, I just become the person I hated; someone who procrastinate so hard and just wasting time, space, and money.
I went to Brisbane last Monday, alone. I visited the museums which turns out to be smaller than I imagined (maybe because some of the exhibition is closed). I have tons of book from last Saturday book sale that I could read. I have internet connection, I could do literally anything I want to do. But it feels lonely. I have no one to do anything together.

Why can’t I just be happy and enjoy this moment?  

first day of holiday

Jumat, 02 Juni 2017
it's 3rd of June today.
I had been waiting for this day to come; the day after I submit all my assignments and can have a proper holiday without having to think about another assignment until the next semester. Well, it's not that I am all free from all worry, because the fear from my grade still haunt me. I think I did good enough to pass, but your know me, I can't help but having anxiety about things that yet to happen.

So today, in this cold sunny Saturday, I wish I could find something to distract my mind from thinking about grade. Because no matter how worry I get, there is nothing I can do anymore. It's all submitted, the due date is over, I can't fix and resubmit it.
I was thinking about stuff I will do in the next two months. I guess I'll start studying for the next course right after I feel refreshed, I can go to the library and read novels in the upper level, I can stroll at lake Apex and watch birds (which maybe will not be around as they migrate to north during winter), I can go to City and sit in the South Bank park and daydream, or go to theater. there's a lot I can do here, this is Australia! I didn't really explore it since I came here because classes and assignments corrupt my time.

I have to say, I was overwhelmed. In the past two months, I spent hundreds of hours in library. reading journals, writing, paraphrasing, editing, from 8.30 AM to 8.30 PM. I never worked this hard before, and yet, I still tell myself that I didn't work hard enough, didn't work smart enough. Some other people stay at the library until 4 AM! I never had something I fear so much before, something to call nightmare. But today, the nightmare is something that can come to me anytime; failing a course. I can't imagine the shame and consequences I have to bear.
I know it is not happen yet, why worry? But tell this to the people who quote things like "being worry is a wrong use of imagination", that sometimes your brain can have the mind of their own. You do not always have control over your thought, especially if you have anxiety like me.
Oh dear...

Final Week

Kamis, 18 Mei 2017
it is already the time when I cannot go out without a jacket. the average maximum temperature is about 25 degree and the minimum sometimes gets 10 degrees or lower. The real feel temperature is like 2-4 degree lower. I usually can withstand this, but I feel like my stamina is decreasing lately. I can't afford of getting sick right now, there are still a tonne of assignment to do.

It makes me think about holiday too much. The last due date of my assignments is June 2nd, and from June 3rd until probably (I haven't checked the academic calendar) last week of July is the semester break. I really can't wait for that time. I really want to relax and read some journals or books without being rushed by the deadline. I want to go cycling, make a proper phone call with my mom, bird-watching at Lake Apex, freely strolling in the city and watch street performers on Queen Street, and take nap, lots and lots of nap. But until then, I have to finish two essays, one presentation, and one project report, completed with anxiety about whether I'll pass all the course or not. I get really worried, one assignment result was absolutely disappointing. I initially wanted to get at least 6 in all courses (the 100% grade is 7), but now, I am okay with just passing. Like seriously, I am at this level of patheticness and despair. 

Okay, need to get going now. 

finally, milky way

Sabtu, 29 April 2017

29th april 2017
I am so so so tired, not physically, but mentally. I just submitted the second assignment of advanced agronomy an hour ago. If I have to see any more of the assignment file, or the turnitin link, I think I will throw up and get sick.
I spent whole day in library for that assignment. There was Mogomotsi too there, a classmate from Bostwana. I know she got a satisfying grade from the first assignment so I was kinda shocked seeing her there in the deadline day, assuming she would do well and submit the assignment long before the due date.
I went home when it’s almost 10 PM. Rizky gave me and Bandang ride home. Bandang stays at my house once every two week because he needs to go to church in Sunday morning. in the other week, the service is in Saturday and the bus is available so he doesn’t have to stay here.
The day was long, I was mentally exhausted, and I kept worrying about the result of the assignment I just submitted. But on the way home, I was excited and grateful, because I saw the milky way clearly. I finally saw it. the sky was clear, Rizky drove relatively slow, and I saw it from the backseat window. The milky way is so beautiful. Not as beautiful as in pictures but still, I saw it. I finally can cross one entry in my bucket list.
Now, almost midnight. The submission link for the advanced agronomy second assignment will be gone in an hour. Gatton is quiet. i decided I can’t keep thinking about my grade and go to sleep. I need to calm my anxiety down. I need to make peace with my assignments.

just trying to get it out of my head

Kamis, 20 April 2017
Just some random post in IG about Daniel Powter yesterday leads me to the point where I eventually search his old music video in youtube. Bad Day. It was kind of my favorite song in high school. And when the song played, I was dragged back to the past.

I can’t believe high school was ten years ago. What had happened? It’s like I entered the wormhole and come out in the other side half sober half drunk, just like people who had a wild party all night then find themselves in the next morning confused about the new fresh tattoo in their hips, even the pain from the needles are still there, and they don’t actually like the tattoo. But from that point on, they have to spend the rest of their life with that tattoo they don't realize they had.

Lucky for me, I don’t wake up with tattoo that can’t be erased. All I have is crippling anxiety that I am trying hard to handle and cure. These ten years was not so bad, it takes me to the places I wasn’t even brave enough to dream of. As the matter of fact, those were good years, and it allows me to prolong my search; what do I really want in life. Because really, I don’t know…

*I know i probably look like a big pile of mess lately. I don't even know if i have to apologize or not for being like that

daily routine

Rabu, 05 April 2017
Life moves on. And days come and go so fast when you’re busy. And this is my routine now. Go to library at 8 in the morning, then do my assignment. I’ll have class on Monday, Wednesday and Thursday. After class I go back to library and stay until at least 5 PM. Sometimes it is until 8:30 PM then I will take the last bus back to Gatton. I have to say, this is somehow boring. But assignment after assignment really take my time and I am still bad at managing my time to study.

I guess I will continue my counseling with Kate, trying the best to get rid of my anxiety. I will book an appointment after Easter and midterm holiday, and I had book an appointment with the doctor in health service regarding my ankle. Things are still complicated in my head. Sometimes I feel like I am strong and I shouldn’t worry too much, the other time I feel like the things I experience is something that will blow people up so it is justified to seek for professional help. But really, the real reason is because these health service is covered by my OSHC and I want to utilize every facilities they gave me. This is something that I can’t afford before.

I have deadline for weed science essay, due to next week, 4000 words count. I guess I will skip EAC class today and just focus on that essay 

Time Heals Every Wound

Rabu, 29 Maret 2017
Gatton, 30 March 2017

It was very hard for me to write about this.

Amak (my grandma) passed away three days ago. She was not ill. I mean, she had stroke and couldn’t get up off her bed in the last 11 months, but she always said that other than her leg and left side body, she felt healthy. She ate well and gain some weight in the last months of her life. I know because I help my mom get her on the wheelchair. Then suddenly, she just left. My mom said she passed away in her sleep, around 4 AM at 27th march. My mom found out in the morning at 6 AM, when she delivered her meal and clean her up, like how she did every single day for the last 11 months. Amak’s eyes was closed. My mom thought she was sleeping. But when she touched her, she was already cold. My grandfather was already sitting in the corner of the room for a while, but he didn’t know. He had no idea that his wife was gone.

I was in the library when I read the family chat group. Really, everything was hard to comprehend. I have mixed feeling of sadness, guilt, and pity. When I left to Australia, somehow I know that it would be the last time I saw her. I knew this would happened. But when it does happen, it still overwhelmed me with shock and waves and waves of sadness. Ya Allah, she was scared. She told me she was scared. “Why can’t I remember the ayat for shalat, Dia? Has my heart been closed?” She asked me that several times. She asked me to write it down for her and teach her the trick to remember it. Then she’ll cry, keep asking will Allah forgive her sins. And I was sitting there like an idiot having no idea what to do. I was a complete idiot. People said that when someone grow old they will nag and whine a lot like a child. I thought it was natural. But even if she started to forget a lot of things, even if it is natural, it doesn’t mean that she doesn’t feel fear anymore. It was the scariest moment of her life and I was oblivious of that. When sometimes I do understand about it, I do not have any idea of how to comfort her.

I will be very honest and you’re free to judge me. In the last few month, I stopped praying for Allah to cure her. I changed my prayer. I want Him to give her happiness in the last days of her life, to comfort her heart, and to forgive her sins. I don’t think she was happy, and happiness is the most important thing. Maybe this was for the best. Maybe she will be happy now. But really, I feel very guilty. How could I think of it that way?

And my mom, she was the one who take care of amak when she was ill. She cooked for her, clean her, and bathe her. I can’t imagine how it feels for her when suddenly find out that amak was not around anymore. My mom has been in hard times, but really, I am sure that she’s the one who feels the biggest loss. And I am here, far away from home. Can’t do anything but cry and pray.

It was hard for me, it still is. This is the first time I experience the loss of close family member. I don’t know how to cope with this and to be honest, I am not comfortable talking about this to people. When I am starting to get drawn in assignments, I had the first breakdown during my study here. Really, I know I will naturally survive. Time heals every wound. But until it does heal, it hurts so bad and I am not sure if I deal with it the right way.